Love. With Terms & Conditions.

Statements such as –

“The take it or leave it”
“She/He is alright but ……”
“He/she is a Christian but ..”
“My family say I have to get married this year ,,”
“I want to have babies while I still can so …..
“If you really love me you would …
“When we get married you must not …..”
“When we get married you must come off Facebook..”
“My mother comes first. She is the first woman in my life.”
“My Dad is my first love and that will always be the case.”
“When you get pregnant you will get a ring.”
“When you buy me a car I will know you really love me.”
“When you pay for rent, hair, nails I will know you really love me.”
Christian singles….think well.
Love with Terms and conditions… that one na love?

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Single in Lagos.

I once watched Sleepless in Seattle and fell in love with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan and the little boy as they negotiated single life but Single in Lagos – you will be sleepless.

From friends, family and foe …..

Why you never marry? Fine gal like you
Maybe you need to have your head washed or attend special prayer
Maybe you are too proud
Maybe you are too materialistic
Maybe you are too educated
Maybe you don’t want to submit
Maybe you are too stubborn

Maybe I have enough self respect to want to marry a person who I share common values with that will not ask me to pretend to be what I am not so he can put a ring on it.

Or maybe I don’t want to marry someone who feels he is doing me a favour …
Maybe because I know that Nollywood and Skinny girl in Transit is TV and not life imitating art
Maybe I just want to be left alone Auntie. I have other things I’m pursuing in life. Like er ….my destiny and purpose?
Maybe I’m tired of being polite and am struggling not to tell you to mind your own business and go face your own. Last time I looked it is not a passport to enter the Kingdom of God although the way some carry this matter – you would think so.   This  married thing is not something person go take enter the Kingdom of God and nor is it an achievement but a work of the grace of God; one to marry and another to stay married successfully.
Kindly start to disturb your sons and brothers severally as to why they are enjoying staying single after 40 and above. You might be somewhere towards addressing the issue.
Abeg when is that latest series of Skinny girl in Transit showing again sef? That fine Bobo ‘Mide still dey there?

Life love and longing

For as long as we live we will love. As long as we love we will long.

Last week we lost someone close. Someone I’ve known all my life. We grew up together. It was all so sudden.

We had no time to say goodbye.

Death is usually like that. So why do we expect it to send a calling card – err….would you mind if I pay you visit on such a such a date. So you can get yourself prepared etc. – its not exactly like going on holiday is it?

The only prep as Christians is that we are always ready. Ready to live this life to the fullest, ready to tell people about Christ and to impact people positively. Whose life are you impacting? Who would miss you? How many people will be glad that their lives connected with yours?

Questions. Reflections. If wishes were horses…

Yet for us left behind – life still continues and while we live we long. We long for better jobs and happier days. Sometimes we long for The One more than we long for The Real Lover of Our Souls.  Its Valentines Day and this year its different in some ways ….but at the same time still the same. So much unknown. Different ….but one thing I know that is that God is with me. He has promised to lead and guide me into His perfect will. His love is only guaranteed love to wipe away every tear of pain, despair and longing.  It is the knowledge of that same love that empowers me to love as he loves. That will give me the wisdom and ability to love my husband to be in the way God intends when that time comes.  Left to me….I am totally unable to do that.  A man cannot love a woman the way God has intended her to be loved unless he does that enpowered by Gods grace and strength. Marriage is a great thing to long for but as fallen human beings we are unequipped to meet the realities of living together with another imperfect human.

God has promised never to leave me but has given me the wisdom to take each day at a time – trusting for His guidance and His peace as I make decisions about life, love and longing.

I pray for you today.

I pray that you know Gods love at its deepest so that when he comes you wont be at your neediest

I pray for strength so that the hunger of your longing isn’t stronger than your love for God

I pray for discernment so that you can know him after the spirit and not be swayed by the beauty of his form but more by the beauty of Gods spirit

That Gods love will envelope you like a warm blanket of assurance and peace

Not just on February the 14th

And you have that assurance that you are loved

Always.

 

Goodbye Ronnie. May God give your family the strength to bear your loss. Love. Ola.

Looking for a halo?

 

King James Version 2 Cor 5 v 16

Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.

Message Bible

Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new.

Living Bible

So stop evaluating Christians by what the world thinks about them or by what they seem to be like on the outside. Once I mistakenly thought of Christ that way, merely as a human being like myself. How differently I feel now!  When someone becomes a Christian, he becomes a brand new person inside. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun!

 

When Jesus was in his earthly form there was no halo heralding his appearance – nothing to make him stand out from everyone else. Many times because we judge according to race, face, age, tribe, profession, physical attributes, bank balance and social status we miss, demean, ignore or take for granted the people God brings across our path in our personal and professional lives.

They didn’t correctly discern Jesus. He was a carpenter. He looked ordinary and did an ordinary job. He didn’t have a halo or anything special about him.  Even his disciples didn’t discern who he was. Except Peter.

Like most people they were looking for charisma and power and authority. He had all that but didn’t fit their own preconceived notions.

When we look for the halos of money, power, status and the rest we end up missing out. When Peter correctly identified Jesus as the Son of God – that realisation – that truth and revelation became the foundation on which the church was built.

 

 

 

When there is trouble in Paradise

 

Barbie and Ken. The perfect couple.

Barbie was so beautiful. She was a good girl.  She came from a good background and had a good education. She went to church. She believed everything her parents told her that if she was a good girl, went to church and had a good education she would marry a good man.

 

Ken was a handsome young man. He came from a good background and had a good education. In fact he was a Doctor. He also went to church. He believed everything his parents told him that since he was from a good family, went to church and was a doctor everything in life had to be perfect for him. So he found the perfect wife. She was slim and beautiful with long hair. Her own hair.  He was her first. She was young and in her twenties, had perfect manners, was courteous to his family and was a wonderful cook.

What could possibly go wrong?

She didn’t know that he was broken. You see just like when a walking doll no longer works and you wonder why because on the outside it still looks glossy and sophisticated. The big eyes still glitter and the smile is just as wide and you wonder what is wrong until you open the doll up and your mum informs you – there is something wrong with the battery, love. It is defective. You see no matter how many times you make sure you cook his favourite dish, satisfy his every need in and out of the bedroom – nothing you can ever be enough and one day when the old man kicks in and he starts reverting back to his natural pattern – he will blame you. He will say you made him do it. Made him hit you because if the food had enough salt – he wouldn’t have had to shout at you – and he wouldn’t have hit you – and you wouldn’t have that nasty bruise on your face. So you see it’s all your fault, silly you.

Make sure next time you have his food ready and waiting, with enough salt waiting for him to come home. The children scrubbed and neat, homework done and ready to go to bed so when he comes home – he won’t have to shout at you. Everything will be perfect just like Barbie and Ken in their perfect make believe Doll-house.

Until the next time…….

 

*****

Abuse can be perpetuated by either sex. Insecurity, buried hurts from the past and the stress of everyday life just dig it up from the archives. It is a like a bomb waiting for the right trigger to go off.

Get yourself healed emotionally. If you have gone through some major trauma before you enter in one of the most important relationships you will have with anyone this side of heaven…..sort out it mate. Sort it out Sis. You owe your life partner that at least.  Don’t let anyone – whether family or your biological clock make you get into something when you know deep down inside – you know you are deeply hurt, vengeful or leaking from your past encounter with a member of the opposite sex.

Whether it was the rolling stone Dad or the Ex from hell …..don’t make them have to deal with all the invisible baggage you brought along with you. It isn’t fair and one day they might resent you for it.

Go for counselling, pay for it if necessary. Speak to your Pastor. Or Doctor.

Remember marriage is the only union where 2 whole people come together to become one.

Two halves in this case do not a whole person make.

How are you?

 

 

 

Every time you come across someone who tries to make you feel small because you haven’t attained some title or accomplishment – remember Jesus. He also came from a culture where marriage and children were seen as the only hallmarks of success and achievement. But success is a human construct …. our ideals and God’s plan do not always blend into one. Our definition of success and Gods definition vary. Widely.

As a writer I’ve tried to imagine whether the following conversation could have taken place between Jesus and certain acquaintances or relatives :

“How are you?”

“Perfectly blessed thank you Sir.”

“What’s going on now? Any news?

“The deaf can hear, the blind see and lame ones can now walk. God is doing great things through me.”

“Eh…..we know. We know. We are talking about other stuff here.  The Important Stuff. When are you bringing a girl home to meet your parents? I mean you are of an age now. We were at your friend’s marriage celebrations the other day and you are the same age……”

“I’m about my Fathers business. That’s why I came …..”

“Eh? I know but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t marry now. Eh? Are there no nice ladies from good families that have caught your eye yet…..think of your parents. You are approaching 30 now. Eh? Think of your mother .  People are talking.”

Jesus would probably just had looked at the person and thought to himself. Was this person around when God was giving him the blueprint for his destiny?

2000 years later and people haven’t changed. Still doing the same predictable things. Sigh.

Love and Dating in London

 

 

1.       Do not expect for your date to come and pick you up or ‘drop’ you home.  It might happen but it’s not guaranteed. You might meet up somewhere and both get the Tube. It doesn’t mean that you should cross him of your list of potential toasters– it’s just the way people live here. Anyway it gives you more time to gist and get to know each other better. If you don’t mind looking gooey eyed at each other in a packed train carriage or people listening in to your sweet nothings.  We are a very broad minded society. The most passionate kiss in a packed carriage will hardly get a second glance during the rush hour.

2.       Do not do not I repeat do not ask your date how much he earns, whether he has any serious diseases, where he intends to be in life when he is 40 or any other long deep meaningful questions on your first date. Especially if you want to see him again.

3.       Please do not assemble a ‘tag team’ to ‘escort’ you to your date and expect your date to pay. It is not a good idea to invite a girlfriend along to ‘escort’ you on a date.  Women don’t escort themselves around. That is better left to secondary school girls.

4.       Don’t tell the world about your date.  It will be seen as bragging and you need to keep your friends. If it doesn’t work out you will need some shoulders to cry on and people to socialise with.

5.       Do not order everything on the menu, or precisely the most expensive stuff on the menu. If you do not want to be labelled cheap, a gold digger or a glutton.

6.       Do not think that a guy’s idea of a good date is ‘escorting’ you while you go from shop to shop looking for shoes or dresses.

7.       If you do decide to go shopping do not ask your date to ‘raise’ you or ‘bless’ you so you can buy any item of clothing, jewellery or anything else in order not to be classified into the ‘Gold-digger file –  Avoid at all costs’ file of your date.  Even worse is to take him to the Hairdressers and ask him – in your sweetest voice to ‘sponsor’ your millionaire braids, weave on or retouch. You need to show him you need a man, a life partner and not a sponsor.

8.       When going on a date in London – African time doesn’t apply. You might think it’s cute to arrive an hour late and think that the guy is still waiting for you at Liverpool Street station. You might discover that he felt this was extremely disrespectful – to keep him – a working professional person like yourself, waiting aimlessly in a packed train station, after a hard day’s work when he could be sitting at home watching Football.

9.       Do not tell him about how hard life has been for you, the men that used and abused and jilted you, your problems at work or the immigration officials that are chasing you around London. It is a date. A chance to get to know someone better, not a confessional.

10.     Judge the occasion. If it’s a date after work – dress smart casual. A jacket and smart top and trousers not an evening gown and tiara! If he is taking you to the theatre or his work party – jeans and Nikes will not be appreciated.

11.     Put your best foot forward and show him that you are a woman who is hardworking and who is keen to improve herself. Tell him (without bragging) a little about the Saturday class you are taking in creative writing and desk top publishing. The fact that you are working and studying part time during the weekends.  Let him realise that you are looking for a man to partner with so you can achieve Destiny together. You are not looking for a man to sponsor, raise, rescue or carry you.  You bring wealth, destiny, a good work ethic, inspiration, integrity, grace, elegance, beauty, love, a Godly heart and all any man can ever need and he is truly blessed to have someone like you in his life.

It’s good to talk

 

 

What we don’t talk about can trip us up

It’s the habit we don’t want anyone to know about

The places we click into on the net

The old haunts that still there – welcoming us back in

Our feet know the way even in our sleep

Our secret vices – the odd drink here and there

Never hurt no one

The odd flutter that you got in all in control

Its entertaining that fantasy about the girl who never gives you a second glance

Or that married guy who is so cute that works in your office

We don’t want to talk about the number of Christians that blank each other each Sunday because of perceived wrongs or misinformation

We don’t want to talk about the single women in their forties and fifties still believing God for a mate.

Serving in Church but struggling with their minds, their desires and their broken dreams

We don’t want to acknowledge those who struggle with feelings they dare not articulate even to themselves

What about those who want to get out of the vows they have made

Than rather face beatings and verbal abuse

We don’t want to talk about it

We don’t want to talk about sex until another brother or sister falls

We don’t want to talk about playas, time wasters and men that beat up on their wives

We don’t want to talk about the needs in our bodies that make us struggle whether married or single

We don’t want to talk about our need to keep on accumulating wealth or possessions instead of accumulating souls

We don’t want to talk about why we would rather queue hours for a concert or healing session instead of a prayer meeting

We don’t want to talk about why we can cuss someone out for sitting on ‘our’ chair in church then start raising ‘holy’ hands to pray a couple of minutes later

We don’t want to talk about missions or evangelism

We don’t want to talk about dying to self, holiness, righteousness or trials and tribulations

 

We want to talk about the sister who is struggling with this or that (because we never make mistakes)

Or the brother who lost his job (because he refused to compromise his ethics)

Or the woman who left her marriage (after years of domestic abuse)

The sister who hasn’t had a baby after 10 years (because Gods time is the best)

The brother who failed his exam (because he was working 2 jobs to support his family at the same time)

The woman who has a different outfit each week (because she is celebrating life again after she was healed of a terminal disease)

 

I guess we just need to know what to talk about.

 

Reflections

 

I went on holiday to Nigeria. It was a time to catch up with family, eat lots of nice food, relax – go to the beach and soak in the sun.

It was also a time for reflection. I must confess I didn’t go there to reflect. I have a very demanding job with early hours and late finishes so being serious and contemplative; was the last thing on my mind when I went to Lasgidi. As the days flew past in conversation with friends and family, listening to the media – newspapers and other media I fell into contemplation as I began to realise that somehow, somewhere we have managed to create God after our own image – hear me out before you protest – what I mean is that we have tried to filter God through our culture, our dysfunctionalities, pains and circumstances – in short ; through our own myopic ways of seeing the world.

OK what do I know about God?. I live in a country where Sunday is another day for recreation, shopping and catching up with the latest edition of the X Factor and Nigeria is a country that literally has more churches per square metre than most countries I know. We don’t need oyibo people to come tell us how to ‘do’ church. In order to understand things a bit better during the visit. I jotted down some of my reflections – or shall I say observations.

1. In Nigeria God doesn’t seem to mind how you make your money as long as you bring lots of it to the altar.
2. In Nigeria God will understand if you are pregnant before your wedding if you are above 30 or 35 because at that age – if you have managed to get a husband- He will be so amazed that you managed not to backslide during your wait that He will wink at the premarital sex stuff as no big deal – especially in this modern time. He also realises that pleasing Him comes second to pleasing Mother In Law and societal expectations ie – a woman must show signs of being fruitful before marriage.
3. In Nigeria if you are single over the age of 35 – you need deliverance and lots of prayers.
4. If you are a single woman over 45 plus you need double deliverance. Basically you are a lost case. Someone to be pitied, lectured and harangued.
5. In Nigeria if you are single over a certain age – you have not prayed or you don’t want it badly enough. If you are really serious you will go for concentrated prayer all night sessions or extended periods of ‘white’ or ‘dry’ fasting (but only if you are a woman.) Single men are exempt as their singleness is not a cause of shame for them and their families. They are searching for their lifepartner. The woman are just waiting to be found. Maybe the men need to go to specsavers….
6. In Nigeria God will understand if you are economical about the truth at any time in business, professionally or in your relationships because – Naija is hard. God go understand.
7. In Naija if you are really in the will of God you will have a palatial mansion, children (of both sexes- especially boys), latest models of cars and loads of money. The absence of these things means that you are 1. Not spiritual 2. Not a praying Christian
8. In Naija God will understand why a single woman is so desperate to get married that wrecking matrimonial homes is no longer any big deal.
9. In Naija God will understand if a man goes outside his matrimonial home to impregnate another woman especially if his wife cannot have children after the deadline stipulated by her inlaws and the rest of the society. In fact on the day of the said naming ceremony God will be invited to come and bless the occasion.
10. In Naija if you pray about something and God seems to be taking His time – you cant just sit down and do nothing. You must MAKE IT HAPPEN by force or by fire.
11. In Naija God will wink at men who beat their wives especially if the said men are very generous givers to their church and their in-laws. Wifey  will be advised to go for family mediation and return promptly to her husband. After all – a divorced woman will attract more or less the same amount of censure and contempt that a single woman does.
12. In Naija God is partial to our cultures so His laws and precepts of scripture can be customised to suit our geographical location and societal and cultural norms.
13. In short the Naija God is very understanding to our situations. That’s why we can always go ahead and do exactly what we want at any time and then say – God will understand my situation now abeg.  You see in Naija we have a very understanding God.

 

RESPECT – Part Two

This is the second part of the article regarding respect and our brother still has a bit more to say on the matter.

Respect is a 2 way street. Some ladies talk to us as if they have serious beef with us. Im not a psychologist but sometimes when we hear statements like any of the ones below –

• There are no men in the church ( err …..ok I’m sitting here. Hello! I am invisible?)
• All the men in the church are players. All of us?
• All the men in the church are worthless. Again the blanket statement.
• Why can’t these men get their act together ( and marry us eh?) Why would you want a man who cant seem to get his act together to marry you?
• These men only want the PYTs ( Pretty Young Things )
• I can do bad by myself so I’m not looking for no liability – a man has to have a good job, house, money in the bank, assets and shares etc etc before he even thinks of approaching me.
• What does he drive? What does he earn? What kind of watch/shoes/ suit does he wear? Which designer?
• Im a strong woman and I don’t take nonsense from no man
• I don’t take nonsense from no man
• I took nonsense from a man before and that’s why I am strong (feisty) woman ( ok weve heard you.)
• Take a good look at me. My hair, my nails and my clothes. Can you handle it? Can you maintain ( if you are not Nigerian – that means are you ready to pay for my hairdresser and shopping trips so that I can always look this fine)

Just to let you know –  some of the circumstances you might have faced in life – the crazy ex, ‘ Papa was a rolling stone’ dad or the control freak ex husband that was work shy BUT cut a brother a little slack- we are not all like the guy s that have used you and abused you. Some of us are decent, well meaning, hard working professionals like you. Some of us have had absent fathers as well so we can emphasise but when you push us away with some of the comments above – the chances of us ever hitting it off are dead before they had a chance to live.

Give us a chance.

You might be surprised.