Single, whole yet still yearning…

 

“For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner and another after that “

Ist Cor 7v 7

“But and if thou marry, thou has not sinned , and if a  virgin marry she has not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh  :but I spare you. But this I say, brethren the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none.”

“But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord. But he that is married  careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.”

Ist Cor 7 v 28-29

For many years I have read books where I have been told that when I really seek God and go deep deep deep into the Word and really ‘mature’ – the desires for marriage will kind of disappear. Like many I threw myself whole heartedly into church and serving in the ministry – spending most of my time in the church building hoping that one of 2 things would happen – based on what we have been told in these books on singleness. Many of these books do not take into the latest phenomena – which is people are leaving marriage till later and later.

Myth 1 – The desire for marriage would disappear with the rest of my ‘carnal’ desires for husband and children.

Myth 2 – Mr Right would show up as a result of my serving in the ministry.

OK lets explore some very popular things singles are told on a regular basis. They are all true by the way.

We know that Jesus was the most influential person who ever lived and He was never married.

True but that doesn’t take away the desire for marriage.

The days are evil and let every man live as if he is single.

Check check checking …..the desire is still there.

Learn to be single content and whole. You don’t need a man or a woman to be whole. In fact this desire means that you are still carnal and need to mature in the things of God.

I’m trying I really am. I got the single bit down pat. Ive worked on the ‘whole’ bit too. I’m  not some insecure female pining for male attention but I cant pretend. Many times in order to maintain our composure or pride we put on a façade that masks what we really feel and say things like –

I’m content being single or Im married to Jesus. I don’t need a man.

Meanwhile life goes on.

The Apostle Paul makes a comment in Romans 6 v 21 –  describing the tussle of mind soul and body with the will of God as laid out in scripture-

Rom 7 14v 24

For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal sold under sin. For that which I do I allow not, for what I would , that do I not, but what I hate, that do I.

V 22 – “For I delight in the law of God after the inward man. But I see another war in my menbers, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.”

“O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death?”

“I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God: but with the flesh the law of sin.”

Is it sin that a person still desires to be married and feels guilty when they feel that if they were really Holy they would have been so full of the spirit that they would just be floating around with their mind full of ways how they will please the Lord? Why do many still long to be loved and appreciated by another when so many books and sermons aimed at singles tell them that they are supposed to be content with their lot and in so doing – be viewed as a totally sold out believer.

Maybe we need to be more mature – because the number of years that have passed have not changed the desire many have to be married.

Some people have not been graced to be able to be like Paul and he realises it when he says -–“For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner and another after that “

A word from the ladies.

I cant explain it but there is something deep in the heart of many women – it is a mother heart. A kind of knowing or a strong desire or longing to be a mother – one day, some day if Jesus tarries. It is there buried under the hard nosed professional woman exterior, the tom boy who says ‘she is just one of the lads’ or the sister at church who tells you that ‘she is married to Jesus’ and doesn’t care for things of this world.

When marriage tarries and women come into the realisation that they might never become mothers they go through a mourning period. Mourning for what was hoped for that hasn’t happened or may never happen. Mourning for the children they longed for and the sound of a young child calling them – Mum. Mourning because while all this is going on – they cannot express how they feel to any one in church – even sometimes their leaders for fear of being seen as unspiritual, carnal and not keeping their minds on the things of God.

So when they see male pastors telling them that Jesus was single and they should see being single as a gift – they may struggle to whole hearterdly agree with that sentiment.

There are some things that are true.

There are some things that are scriptural.

There are some things that are fact.

There are also some things that are reality.

Sometimes we have to try and find a happy balance with all these three mediums.

Wanting to get married doesn’t make a person –

1. Desperate
2. Carnal
3. Needy
4. Unspiritual
5. Not keen on the things of God
6. Unaware of the fact that whether single or married – Gods sovereign will is what is uppermost.

Does singleness really make the singles I know more spiritual than the marrieds? Taking a good look at the singles around me – I am hard pressed to see the great works they are doing for God that necessitate them being single well into their 40s and 50s. Most of them especially the women seem to be more concerned about finding a lifepartner. In fact the married people seem to be more enthused about serving God than many discontented singles that are inwardly mourning the fact that they may never marry or have families. This is me being real here. Im not sugar coating it but saying it as Ive seen it.

Of course marriage is not the ultimate. Everyone regardless of their marital status should look forward to the real marriage of the Lamb when we get to Heaven but in the meanwhile ….while we are in this body, on this side of heaven – somehow we have to deal with our hearts, our fears, our desires, our wants and trust God that whether single or married – we fulfil our purpose on earth.

 

A New Year Tale

Friday 28th December 6pm

Mike Fenton checks his mobile for messages as he joins the swarm of workers that spill out of their concrete prisons onto the street as they make their way to the Tube.

No messages. He shakes his head and exhales his frustration into the cold air that nips at his nose and ears.

He adjusts his smart coat and grimaces. If his girlfriend Tina wasn’t so stubborn they could have been on a Christmas holiday in Barbados soaking up the sun instead of the wet and cold. He’d seen the perfect deal on the net but she didn’t want to miss her churches New Year event. His friends thought she was priceless, mad more like it. He can’t imagine any living breathing female that would pass up a luxury all expenses paid holiday in Barbados, because of a church event in London, in the middle of winter. He decides that this weekend he will take his friends advice and tell her to sort out her priorities.

Saturday 29th December 2am

Tina Wilson lies awake knowing that Mike is still mad with her about the holiday and church. That night they had flung words at each other and now they hung in the air like giant question marks, widening the gap between them.

“Why are you so obsessed about God and church?” He had paced around the room, head down as if he would find answers embedded in his soft cream rug.

She had sighed. “Why can’t you try and understand that God means so much to me now “.

He had laughed. “What do you want? Eh? Marriage? If that’s what it will take to get you back I’ll do it. If you want me to go to Church every Sunday with you if you want. This thing is tearing up everything we’ve shared together! Doesn’t that mean anything to you at all? I thought we had something special going here?”

She had just gone silent after that. Girlhood dreams of love and marriage dangled before her tantalisingly but she couldn’t ….she wouldn’t marry him like this.

She saw the fire in his eyes as he pushed past her and flinched as he slammed the door behind him.

Later on when she had dried her tears she had gone upstairs, lay down besides him and tried to sleep but sleep had eluded her.

Now she tries to reach him with her eyes but he turns his back to her. She tries to reach for his shoulder but he pushes it off. She shivers, wishing he would hold her and tell her everything would be alright and maybe they might found some temporary solace in each other but all that stuff had got her in the mess she was right now. She has no right to be here any way.….they weren’t married and it wasn’t right and Mike just didn’t understand how she felt about the whole living together thing and thought that by asking her to marry her, it made everything right.

Saturday 29th December 10am

Sue Fenton dashes off to the supermarket to do some last minute shopping for New Years day and shops as if she is getting in emergency rations rather than food for one day, justifying this expense down to the fact that her son Mike was coming over with his girlfriend Tina for New Year Day lunch. She knows she really shouldn’t buy this much food in the house now, especially since it was just her but was her first New year celebration since Tom’s death and she welcomes the busy season as it helps take her mind off things. Thirty years together and all she has to remember her husband, is a pile of fading photographs and his clothes in the big wardrobe upstairs. She knows she has to take them down to the charity shop but keeps putting it off. Mike would be furious if he knew she still kept them. Says it’s spooky. It was just her way of not wanting to say goodbye yet.

Sunday 30th 9.30am

Tina Williams dashes out of the house and heads to Church for the second service.

Sunday 30th 2pm

Sue Fenton overhears a radio broadcast about the Metropolitan Police giving their yearly warning about avoiding Trafalgar Square on New Years Eve. Thousands of revellers will assemble there and she knows Mike will be one of them. She hopes he remembers that he is supposed to be bringing Tina over the next day. She likes Tina. She has a certain air about her. A bit quiet and thoughtful but good for Mike. He needs someone with their wits about them to settle him down.

12 noon

Tina is back from Church and reflecting on Pastor’s sermon about Vision, Goals and Purpose for Life. She writes down her visions for the New Year. 1. Join the Children’s department. 2. Get a new job. 3. A closer walk with God. Monday 31st December 2pm New Years Eve Nikki’s Beauty Saloon is packed with women waiting to have their hair and nails done for the New Year. Tina and her friend Fiona squeeze in and take a place in the queue.

Monday 31st December 5pm New Years Eve

Mr Denton, Landlord of the ‘Dog and Duck’ gives everything a last minute check before opening, knowing that the pub will be packed out in an hour’s time. In his experience – New Years Eve is always one of the most profitable nights of the year with all staff on standby anticipating an overwhelming number of customers.

Monday 31st December 8pm New years Eve

Guests and members make their way into the church glad to be out of the cold as the building gradually fills up for the night’s celebrations. At first Tina finds it a bit hard to be enthusiastic, but the joy and the anticipation in the room are contagious, and she starts to look forward to the evening. There is a prayer from the Pastor and when praise and worship starts she bows her head and worships God wordlessly; her arms outstretched tears streaming down her face. After worship the first person to bless the crowd is one of the guest ministers. The buzz of voices dies down and she listens as the swell of a sweet soprano and lets the Word ease the confusion and pain out of her soul. She sings about life, love and about how she had found disillusion in one relationship after the other until she had found the real lover of her soul. The Authentic stuff, The Real Deal. Jesus Christ the Son of God.

Nothing and no one else seems to matter any more. Warmth trickles back into Tina’s heart and at that precise moment she finds herself smiling. Nothing seemed to matter. In a few hours it will be a New Year and although her heart is breaking into dozens of little pieces she knows what she has to do to get her peace back. The New Year lies before her; a long white sheet, like the back of her garden after the snow, still untouched or unaffected by her decisions and choices. Sort out your priorities Mike had said……..

New Years Day Tuesday 2pm 1st January

Happy New Year! Someone yells. The New Year has started well. They had prayed for God’s blessings for the New Year and worshipped God for His goodness and as people disperse, Fiona and Tina join the crowd and walk down to where a car is parked. Tina has asked Fiona for a lift back to her place and not Mike’s. During the ride home Fiona notices that despite the New Year’s celebrations Tina is still very quiet. “You alright?” Tina smiles. “Yeah. I am now.”

Fiona doesn’t want to press her. Probably had another row with Mike. They had been having lots of those lately. She remembered the time she had expressed her opinions about her friend’s relationship with a non-Christian and Tina’s response. Mike was a nice bloke who was more caring and straightforward than many Christian men and she wasn’t getting any younger. Besides his mother was lovely. Fiona had told her that Mike seemed like a nice bloke but that he still wasn’t a Christian and that the relationship was a definite unequal yoke.

Tina was not moved. Said how he was really lovely, kind, loving and generous and if she kept praying – one day he would become a Christian. She just needed to be patient. She loved him.

Fiona had decided to keep quiet and just keep praying that Gods will be done. She wonders whether Tina’s ‘patience’ has run dry. She drives them back to her flat.

3am New Years Day

Mike and his friends leave Trafalgar Square and head for the Dog and Duck. Earlier that evening the place had been heaving with people but they had managed to get in and shortly after proceeded to get well and truly plastered. Mike announced that his girlfriend Tina was in love with someone else. “That’s not on!” Someone slurred in disbelief. “Anyone we know?” Mike tells them who it is and a laugh goes up. His mate Kev laughs so much that he spills his beer onto the table. “Well you’re well and truly done for innit!” someone laughs. Mike is knocking them back hard now. “Three years we’ve been together and I’m crazy about her but all she talks about is God. Women! Can’t live with them can’t live without em.”” Some of the customers sympathise with him as he rambles on. Mike continues to drink encouraged by his ‘mates’ and by the time they drag him out of the ‘Dog and Duck ‘so that the Landlord can lock up he is incoherent. “Tina doesn’t love me any more.” He staggers towards the waiting car. His mates shake their heads and pat him on the back. “Happy New Year Mike!” Someone shouts out. 4am New Years Day. Mike waves goodbye to his friends and rummages thorough his pockets for the keys. His hands shake as he puts the key to the lock, lets himself in and stumbles around until he finds the light switch.

************************

When he thinks about it the next day he remembers that the first thing he saw when he put on the light was the scrap of paper on the crystal coffee table next to the deep brown leather chesterfield and the French windows that overlooked the busy road. …all the stuff that she used to say were just ‘things’. People matter the most – that was Tina for you.

Hi Mike

Sorry for taking the coward’s way out. I can’t live with you anymore…I can’t be with you anymore. You know my stand regarding my faith and it’s not something I can just ‘snap out of’. You are a great guy and the last thing I wanted to do is to hurt you but it’s like that’s all I seen to do nowadays. I should ask your forgiveness though because as soon as I had given my life to Jesus Christ I should have taken the step I am taking now…I was just prolonging the inevitable because I wanted it all. I wanted Jesus and I wanted you and the two just don’t seem to mix. I have been torn in two between my two lovers for the past year now and tonight I had to take a brave step and stick with my eternal one. He is the greater lover. This may hurt you now but remember that I did this because I do love you but Christ loves you more. He is the answer to all you need not me, not your mates and not the booze. My prayer is that you find the love of Christ that is better and bigger than anything that we shared. You see I do love you…its just that …maybe ……I’m not explaining myself well here I want you to think about a light …it’s generated from a source. Turn off the source and it cuts out the light. Jesus is my light…my life…..when you asked me to choose between you and Jesus I had no choice. My soul might need you, my body might want you but my spirit needs Life. All the best for the future…..Tina

Her words revolve around his head as he sits in the comfy sitting room playing around with the Christmas meal his mum has gone to so much effort to prepare for him and the only girl he had ever wanted to marry. He wishes his father was around to talk to. He used to be able to talk to the old man about anything. Even in the last months, with his body riddled with the illness which was about to take his life, his Dad had given the thumbs up to Tina when he had brought her to the Hospice. “She’s a nice girl. Genuine article there son. Just like your Mum. Better hold on to this one.” Well Dad. I tried.

Maybe, he thinks as he polishes off the rest of the very good wine his mother has provided to go with the meal, Tina really was as mad as his friends said. I mean she was cute and everything but she was pushing 33…and the so called ‘Christian’ men in her church weren’t exactly queuing up to take her out, let alone marry her. All he knows is that most men he knows have no problem in approaching women and making their feelings plain and clear. What was it about some of these Christian guys anyway? Is it that they did not know what they wanted, were shy or were so used to having so many single women in church around them that they were spoilt for choice?

He knows how worried Tina is about her ‘biological clock’ and acknowledges that having a family was one of her dreams. He had seen how happy her family was that she had finally found someone who it seemed she might be likely to settle down with. Especially her mother. All her daughters were married and the woman talked about nothing else.

His mother is upset. “Was it something you did or said? I can’t understand why her becoming a Christian is such a big deal, after all your father and I were confirmed members of the C of E and you were baptized there as well if I remember rightly. I think I still have your baptismal bible tucked away somewhere.” She pours a glass of wine for herself. “I think you need to take her away on some exotic holiday and really discuss things…..”

Mike closes his eyes. Been there, done that….brought the T-shirt. It isn’t enough. He wonders whether Tina is really ready to give up all they had and the chance of marriage, motherhood …….because of this religious fad? Maybe its time to enlist reinforcements. He knows exactly how much ammunition is required to win this war. “Could you have a word with Tina for me some time today – I know she listens to you?”

Sue Fenton nods her head. “Of course dear. I will let her mother know about this as well, so we can sort things out.”

Suddenly he feels a bit better. Suddenly the food on his plate looks inviting. Surely there is still hope. If he can see her, kiss her and hold her and remind her that just as she had said in her letter …..they needed each other and all this religious stuff aside …..when it came down to it, life would always revolve around that good old desire men had for women and women had for children, security and the love of a man. Could God take her in his arms and make her feel loved like he could? Would he be there with her through those cold lonely nights of longing and regret?

Women. They never know what they want until they are about to lose it. Maybe she needed reminding.

Elizabeth Bennett and todays single woman

‘It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife? Jane Austen. Pride and Prejudice.’  Familiar words – the beginning of that wonderful classic of English study of class, society and male/female relationships.

The heroine Elizabeth Bennett lives in 19th century England where a woman’s destiny hinged on her looks, her marital status and her ability to have children.

It reminds me a bit of a kind of 21st century thinking in some communities where some people think that a woman’s destiny hinges on her looks, her marital status and her ability to have children.

Don’t believe me? OK. When was the last time you saw a prayer line of unmarried guys crying about being single? Or queuing up to be prayed for to be delivered from singleness.  Not that either scenario is bad but it does make you wonder sometimes.

Somethingsneverchange.

What is the definition of love?